Sunday, December 12, 2010

Feck My Life.

I'm really, really, really struggling...

I KNOW you all love Josh.  Heck, I'm pretty crazy about him too!  We had a great weekend - movie and a snuggle Friday, and spent all day Sunday together.  He's amazing.  Totally understood my one sentence, "Ireallylikeyouandit'sjustgonnatakemesometimetogetusedtosharingmytimeandenergywithanyoneevensomeoneasawesomeasyou".  He kicked my arse at Scrabble, raved over my dinner, played with my kid at Chapters while I obsessed over the best 3 Christmas books for The Girl... smiled about it! 

I'm just really sure I want to have another baby.  And it's interfering with my ability to appreciate the alternative.  Made it perfectly clear to Josh that it's always on my mind, and that it's not NOT an issue still for me.  We're both thinking on it. 

There are other factors too.  He's tied to his area of the city by the location of his children.  It's on the other side of the city... equals me starting over in a new job, with suck all for vacation, and no backyard.  Sounds small and little right?  It's not number one, but its on the list for things pulling at my mind. 

We go 2 weeks of the month with no physical contact.  I think that contributed to my battiness over the texts and emails and calls... I need physical contact.  Our attraction is NOT just physical, but I think contact connects couples in a way that maintains prolonged interest, if that makes any sense?  In my crazy head it does!

Anyway... he's coming over Wednesday night.  He's on the same page as me... if it's a big block for me, it's not fair to either of us to continue seeing each other... and yet... he's coming over Wednesday...


  1. sounds like a bit of a tough spot
    and that you'll be doing a big priorities list
    i don't envy your position
    but i'm having a daycare issue and it's making me completely re-think my work schedule
    and you have far more than just one issue on that big platter of yours
    so yeah - priority list and what your heart and guts are telling you too
    and maybe seeing where he'd be willing to make compromises too...try not to doom it yet, good and positive compromises that you both can support are possible!

  2. The geography is a non-issue. You are inviting trouble to fret over getting a new job if/when you move in with him. All will work out.

    As for the baby thing...sigh...well, I am ok with not having another one but then I realized I am not you and this isn't my life-oops. thoughts are who knows if you would have ever had another child anyway? And you will have his kids as yours as well...I dunno..I'm grasping at straws because this seems like such a good thing and what a shame to throw it away over what could possibly happen...

    I suppose you need to find out if he would be adverse to having another one....does he regret the V? Will he consider IUI or adoption or surrogate sperm if you two ever married? Or does he NEVER want to raise another child????

    If he may want another one then stick it out..if he absolutely does not ever want another child in any shape or form then you have a problem..maybe...if you can't make peace with not having another one.

    And I will leave you with this sage advice-nobody gets everything they want in life. And in a way, longing is a bttersweet part of life.

    As I say to my kids when they ask for everything 'If you had everything, you would have nothing' Do you see how smart I am???

  3. SUUUUUUUUUUCKS! I'm so proud of you for putting it all out there and being honest with him important! I don't feel like there's an easy answer for this situation, give up prospect of future babies to love, or give up the prospect of happily ever after with mr. perfect who wants no part of said future babies. I can only say go with your gut as per our conversation before - you know what you know whether that is that this is right or that you need another child - you'll do the right thing because it feels right and that makes it right for you. I wish I could help more.

  4. Sucks is right, Jan!

    You've been honset with you and Josh. That's all you can do. If at all possible, stop planning? Let it go where it goes....I know, there is the potential for hurt in there somewhere for one or both of you...but there's also the potential for something splediferous.

    You are such a smart woman...who clearly finds it impossible to ignore her gut...I would just keep listening to it (except maybe for 20 minutes after a healthy meal...I know my gut is usually pretty angry around then) can't go wrong.


  5. I'd definitely clarify how he feels about future children. Vasectomies can be reversed and depending on length of time, his health and other factors you could have a 97% success rate.

    I gotta say worrying about distance is inviting trouble. I moved from an entirely different state to be with my ex and I'd be willing to do it again. Of all the things I regret about our marriage, moving to be with him isn't one of them.

    But, this is all just outside advice. Only you can decide what the best choice is for you and The Girl. Good luck!! (((hugs)))

  6. Oooohhh SMILF... I feel for you. Big time.

    I agree with everyone else as far as listening to your gut, with a healthy dose of going with the flow.

    I also understand what people are saying about not "planning" so much. BUT I'm someone who always has to think of the future. I mean, what if you don't think of it and things progress and you have so much invested..... And then one of those issues come up and you realize there is no happy medium for either of you. Yowch. (That being said, I also have an anxiety disorder that makes the "what if's" in life unbearable at times... So maybe I'm not the best comparison.)

    There is nothing wrong with taking things slowly and keeping an open dialogue with each other about everything. One or both of you may get to a point where the compromises outweigh the benefits.

    OOOOORR neither of you would. And things would work out wonderfully, just as they should, for both of you and you'd live happily ever after.

    My sister, who's sooooooo smart, always said to me:

    When your mind starts to go crazy, just take a breath and ask yourself, "Is this good enough for right now?" If it is good enough, then you can take that to heart, relax, and let all the what if's go. If it's not good enough, that's when you can worry about taking action.

    It served me very very VERY well, even when my time to take action came along.

    So, I ask you... Is it good enough for right now?

  7. I have to say this:

    If he was absolutely the right man for you, you wouldn't be thinking about the potential sacrifices you'd be making to stay with him.

    There is nothing wrong with planning for the future. If you're already thinking about this stuff now, how hard will it be in two years when they become a reality? How hard will it be on The Girl?

    I don't think you should ever settle for 'good enough' - whether it's for right now, or for always. If he's good enough for now... you could be missing out on perfect.

  8. Is there a reason he can spend time with you and The Girl, but you can't spend time with him and his kids? It seems that those two weeks without physical contact are when he has his kids, right? Seems a bit like a double standard? Just wondering.