Friday, October 29, 2010

This Week Brought To You By The Letter "TEXT".

Oh, Don Draper.  You win.  Rylan's a tool.  He's so pretty!  He was also very helpful, but a total airbag.   Sorry Jess!  He really is just a pogo!  There was really nothing attractive about him once we started talking.  The fantasy dies here.  Let's all observe a moment of solemn silence, and move on.

Did you see the title of this post?  Do you know where it's going?

I'm a devious little woman.  I DID NOT TEXT Doug.  I wrote and deleted 100 texts today, and sent not a one.  You can't flog me.  But...

You knew that "but" was coming, right?  Only smarties read this blog.  So, BUUUUUT...

I know Doug.  He can't resist a funny, cute Facebook status about poop and "The Girl".... so I wrote one. 

*bats eyelashes*

WHAT?!?!?! Totally innocent!  How can you point a finger at me?  All I did was relay a super cute kid tale.  Shut up!

*phone blips*

Doug (D) - I laugh my ass off everytime I read a poop story!  I love it! *Smiley Face*
SMILF (S) - She's a funny little twerp, that's for sure!
D - God, the stories just make me smile.  You guys are awesome.
S - Thanks!  I'm feeling particularly smooshy about life tonight... that put me over the top!
D - Smooshy???  And you're welcome.  I only speak the truth.
S - Yeah.  Smooshy.  Soft, fuzzy, big, warm, grateful, humbled, pleased... all in one word.
D - Excellent!  Very happy to hear that!  I'll hope to use that word too!
S- I'll hope that for you too.  I was thinking tonight that the wonder of having a child is that you can never regret a single event leading up to her, or you wouldn't have THAT kid... and then all the things that hurt after her could be one event closer to that next person you wouldn't change for anything.  My deep thought for the year.  I'm so not an efficient texter.

Aside - Seriously.  Who SENDS text messages that long?  Sigh.

D - *Big Toothy Grin Face*

15 minutes go by.  Then, stupid, cute Doug changes his Facebook status to "Doug hopes to be able to use 'smooshy' in a sentence."

I HAD TO TEXT!  I'm sorry, but you people offer me no support at 9 pm.

S - Can you try not to be so awesome and sweet?  It keeps making me forget you're an idiot.
D - Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Dammit, I just choked on my drink of water.  Umm, I'll try to stop.  Be more idiot like.
S - Or ask me out.  Whatever.
D - Just sayin?
S - Just wishin.
D - *smiley face*
S - But only because you want to, not because you can't seem to say no to me.
D - LOL... but either way...
S - Either way you remain an idiot?  Is that how that finishes?
D - Yes, I remain an idiot.  One who smiles at poop stories, but an idiot nonetheless.  Hope you don't mind, I'm creeping you on Facebook right now... LMAO!  I gotta snap out of this idiot phase!!!  *Refers to one of my vids of The Girl* hahahaha

At this point, I write a very long text about how I have to take him off my Facebook, because when we started dating, I didn't assume he was "testing the waters" or "unsure he was ready to date" and so I just dropped it and just plain liked him... and so everytime he texts or interacts on Facebook I get this hot, hopeful feeling with a huge grin... and frankly, I don't want to hear from him until he wants to ask me out.

I delete it.

S - I just wrote an email via text and deleted it.  STOP BEING CUTE!  -the jist of it
D - Ok.  Sorry.  I'll stop.
S - It's okay.  Only 18 more weeks until you ask me out.  Trust me, the online dating thing, while amusing, is affording you a lot of idiot time.  Lots of "Your pritty" and "so wat do youdo 4 fun".  Its okay, you can laugh!  I do!
D - Hahaha.  Well, I do agree.  Your pritty.
S - Your hansome.
D - *smiley face*

The end.

This better have a Hollywood ending.

Have a Happy Hallowe'en!  I'll be drinking Saturday night at a costume party (an "Event" in my life) while The Girl is at her grandparent's home... let's all bow our heads and pray that "Drunk Text" is NOT the title of Monday's post.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Texting, Again?

Doug sent me a text again.  Guess what I did?


I played it cool.  It damn near killed me, and I think I'm greying from the effort - but I DID it.  I'm STILL doing it... because trust me, I think about sending him a text about every 3 minutes.  Kind of like quitting smoking.  I'm sure Day 3 will be the hardest too.

He let me know camping in the rain was all worth it, that it's not much fun doing it alone, but that he DID have fun.

I want a virtual hug after you read what I wrote: That's a great message!  I'm really glad it was a good experience after all. *smiley face*

See!?  See what I did there?!  Not open ended!  Not trying to engage in conversation!  Go me!

OH!  I just allllllmost texted him while I reviewed my text reply for this post.  Almost sent him, "All warm and dry?"

Shite, this is tough NOT BEING ME. 

Sorry Don Draper... guess what's happening tomorrow?

Well... Since joining the gym about 2 months ago, I've only used the treadmill to run.  I work out on my lunch, because I don't have care for Shae, and I go three times a week.  My incentive was that at 33, I was looking at my CALVES and seeing cellulite.  I didn't think humans had fat cells on calves?  So, I resolved to run those MFers off.  *Sorry to be coarse, but seriously.  I felt strongly about those dimples.

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed my calves, thighs and butt are pretty much dimple free!  So, being a woman, I found something else to hate.  My sagging baby belly fat, and my jiggly upper arms.  Both not atrocious, but certainly worthy of some healthy, womanly self hate. 

But!  No way was I going to add more gym days to do weights!  That was my excuse.

Really though... I just had no idea what those freaking machines did, and really didn't want Rylan to come over and ask me "not to use the ab machine for weird butt thrusts", ya know?

So I kept heading to the treadmill.

But on my way out today... I asked Rylan if he wouldn't mind showing me how to use a couple of the machines.  It's on like Donkey Kong.  One on one time.  Full report will follow.  I can't POSSIBLY stay mute the whole time, right?  Eat it, Draper! 

I shaved my legs for it.  It's okay to laugh.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Texting Part 2

Crackpot science indicates that people with iPhones have more sex than BlackBerry users, so at least we've identified part of my issue.  Phewf.    Come January 15th, the 3 year anniversary, if I'm still SSMILF (sexless SMILF, c'mon....), I will invest in a gadget with batteries.

An iPhone!  Dirty readers!  Pay attention!

So, I had another text from Doug this morning.  I haven't had two days of texting in a row since the dating days... he'd text me a good morning every day.

Yes, I did over reply.  Yes, he did leave me hanging again.  Yes, I did text him tonight, and Yes, he did leave me hanging again.

And Yes, Angry MILF, I am picking up The Rules this weekend.  This strategy of mine... the one where I just like a guy and let him know, and he likes me back... I'm not sure that's working out for me.  So I'll play the game by The Rules. 

Who's picking it up for me?  Because it's going to be as awesome to purchase a self-help book on dating as it would be to plop a box of Canesten next to some Clearasil and a cold sore remedy, and offer your money to the 22 year old hot checkout guy you see in church every Sunday.  I might do it Saturday, in a costume mask, as if I were on my way to a Hallowe'en party.

Some really pointless BBM with Brett today... I'm sure if he hasn't suggested getting together by the next time I have my period, I'll BBM my pen pal and tell him to write away for some nuts.  For both of us.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Texting As a Form of Torture

I know, you're just dyyyyyyying to hear about Rylan.  Tough tittie.  I'm telling the Doug text story first.

DON'T you DARE scroll past this part of the post!  This is the guy that is too nice to simply go away.  I think.  That's my current theory.  I welcome input.

It's been about 6 weeks since Doug said he would ask me out in "6 months.  Tops." and every 2 weeks I get a nice smiley text from him, "Happy Thanksgiving!", and weekly he comments on my Facebook status with something adorable regarding The Girl.

Sunday night, I get this text:  "OMG.  The photos of u and The Girl are totally adorable!!!! What a handful she must be!!!!! *SMILEY FACE*

So, my little heart starts to beat fast, and I get a huge happy grin... because I'm an IDIOT WHO LOVES TO BE REFUSED.

Guess what SMILF does?

Starts asking about his job, and his life, and how he's been... anything to drag out the conversation... instead of simply saying, "Thanks.  Fuck off.  You hurt my feelings."

Skip about 10 text exchanges, and he tells me he's going camping this week, instead of an island in the sun with alcohol.

I say..."No alcohol, I guess that rules out drunk texts".

He says..."Meh.  I can sober text with drunken tendency????

Me... Lol... That's talent (I know, reader.  Fecking lame.)

Doug... Lol.  I try.

At this point, I opt to "phone a friend".  I BBM Jane, in Calgary.  All my spidey senses say, "DON'T TEXT ANYTHING ELSE.  Your pride depends on it."  Jane concurs.  I text anyway.  ARGH!  I could slap me.

SMILF... Well, I'll keep my toes crossed that you get bored and cold enough out there that you send me naughty texts.  Have fun!



No, I don't.  I hate that I sent that last message, even though I knew not to.  I hate that it always seems I want what I can't have.  I hate that he's so nice and not mine.

Anyhow.  That's that story.

Today, I walked into the gym with my mouth full of "Hey!  You didn't call me Saturday!" for Rylan.  Swallowed it.

He was talking to a gym bunny.  He looked up and said, "Hi SMILF!  You're early, no?".  I said, "No.  I'm actually a little late."

That's it.  He wasn't at the desk when I left.

Brett did some BBM today.  Nothing titillating to report, so that's all I'll say on that.  No plans to meet.  Should I ask him out?  Do any men ask women out anymore?  Did that change while I was on mat leave, and I missed the memo?  Did the balls fall off all men?  Why am I trying to grow a set?  I'm a DAME!

Headed over to my MSN icon to sign in and see if Theo's around.  Maybe I'll ask him to webcam and confirm he has nuts.  Edit to add - I deleted him.  He wasn't online, but he was on POF.

AND edit to add... tonight I got this email from "Roof God".  "Hi there i have a nice smile."

Looooooooove it.  Thanks for sharing.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Weekend Update

This is gonna be a long one.

I don't like blonde jokes.  Even if I've never heard it before - it's obnoxious.  Fellers - do not try to woo a blonde with a blonde joke - "Your pritty, and HEY!  Here's a joke that lets you know I think you're sort of stupid, too!  My kinda gal!".  Note photo:  it's naturally blonde.  I'm not laughing at your joke.

You almost had me!  Then you opened your mouth one time too many!  That's the current theme of POF.

So... blew it Friday with Rylan - AGAIN.  Position as life coach - still open.

Walked into the gym Friday, and Rylan hollars, "Hey, SMILF!  You sign up for the raffle yet?"

"Nope.  But I LOVE free stuff... what do I win?"

"No idea.  It's still to be decided."

Weird.  But whatever... I take the ticket he hands me.  Rylan says, "Write your name and number, and I'll call you on Saturday!"

Then he waggles his eyebrows.

This is how out of touch I am with the dating world:  I think he's telling me the draw is on Saturday, and maybe I'll win.

So I say, "GREAT!", and proceed to complete the ticket with my name and WORK NUMBER, and saunter off to the change room.  There, as I'm tying my shoes, it occurs to me that it's another SMILF Fail.

On the way out he popped his head out of the office to yell, "Bye SMILF!"... and I yelled back, "Bye Rylan."

Using his name feels ballsy.  Would you believe I've known it since he signed me up for the gym 2 months ago, and have never once used it. 

IF, and I think we all know this is a hypothetical and not likely to be the case Monday, but IF I grow a "set" between now and the time I walk through the door, the plan is to say, "Hey!  You didn't call me Saturday!"

This is important:

Do NOT hold your breath.

As I was mulling my idiocy... I realized - it's been TEN YEARS since I picked someone up sober or offline, on my own.  I'm used to dating sites, or being obviously hit on and asked out, or set ups.  No wonder I'm braindead.

As for Brett... we spent ALL weekend, up to about the middle of Saturday Night Live on BBM.  He's not really flirty.  He's just chatty.  We've still never met, and he hasn't mentioned it since I mentioned us meeting this coming week.

Here's the thing.  We were chatting about music and totally innocent stuff all night Saturday, when at the end of the night, he says, "I think I'm going to bed... or driving to your house for a back rub"...


I am not a prude.  I LOVE booty calls in a relationship... keeps it fresh.  We are not IN a relationship.  We hadn't even flirted via BBM.  WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET.  And I'm tired at the time.  So I immediately jump to... what a pig.

I reply with, "Yeah, no.  I definitely would never invite a stranger into my home at midnight, ever, let alone with my kid here.  Try asking me out for something tamer first?"

No reply.  I go to bed.
In the morning, I think... ya, I'm pretty sure there should have been a winky face on his message.  I've been talking to him for a week and had no "creep" vibe.  I feel bad.

Sunday morning, I message - "I really have enjoyed talking with you.  I assume you were joking last night - I was tired, sorry I snapped!

He only replied, "I totally was kidding".  That's it.  From a guy that has been messaging me nonstop for a week.  I instigated a lighthearted message a few hours later, and only got a "haha".  I went back to Frogs.  I think I blew it.

Chatting on MSN, as I write this, with Theo, a POF guy.

This post is really long, and I need to go to bed and grow the needed "set" for tomorrow.  I think I'll post tomorrow about the texts from DOUG this weekend.  Seriously.  You'll have to come back tomorrow to read about how Doug dangled his adorableness in front of my nose again.  And didn't ask me out.

Friday, October 22, 2010


It's 915, and my kid is still awake.  This is dire.  She's not even yawning.  She's not even CRANKY.  Can't post...  must parent... okay, a quickie.

Somehow, Brett is on my Facebook?  How did I end up adding him?  It is inappropriate for a SMILF to add someone they've never met, and no one knows, to FB, right?  There's pics of my kid on there!  FA-RIG! I suck at this.  We did much BBM today.

I said Hi/Bye to Rylan... he failed to notice he had not seen me in a week.  Thinking he's just a good employee.  Gotta go.  Must list child on Kijiji.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I've found my dream guy... and his name is Liz Lemon.  I have a big girl crush.  If anyone knows Tina Fey...

I spent half the afternoon BBMing (BlackBerry Messenger-ing, for all you troglodytes... me, until about 2 months ago) with Brett.  Um... I don't know... he seems nice.  He tells me he's not a jerk, so that's something!  We're going to meet for lunch next week, we work sort of near each other.

Did I mention he's 30?  He assures me I'm not a cougar unless I show up in leopard, feed him Coors Light and try to take him home with me.  I checked, and subbing in zebra and Hoegaarden does not make me a cougar either.

Other than that, there's not much funny going on online.  I've exchanged emails with the teacher, and we may meet in the next week or two - though I think we may not... he doesn't seem very funny, and funny almost always equals cute to me.

Get to see Rylan today!  Whee!  I'll make sure I'm wearing non sticky lipgloss for the reunion makeout sesh.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


So, last night I gave my Blackberry pin to a guy from POF.  He's 3 years younger than me.  We're chatting on BBM RIGHT NOW.  I'll call him Brett.  He's cute, I think?  I put no stock in profile pictures... everyone picks their best one, right?  Plus, he could have no teeth.  He's not showing any.

Super lame post today!  Sorry!  Until Thursday my real job has me at a conference, so I won't be seeing Rylan until then - maybe he'll well up when he sees me and tell me how he thought he'd lost me, and confess his deep feelings?   Then we'll make out for 10 minutes while music swells in the background?

Oh geez.  I really need to lay off the romantic comedies.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My POF profile

To address all the positive comments from readers yesterday - have no fear, I'll keep trying.  If I quit, I swear I'll never date.  To jesslikesstuff - I'm WAY ballsier online, making opening a dialogue so much easier, plus, online it's evident, "SMILF LOOKING TO DATE"... and unless I wear a tee into the gym for Rylan, there's no way for timid ol SMILF to get that across to him with "Hi" and "Bye" being our only reliable conversations.  Do you know a good printer taking small orders?

Today's winner, from a 29 year old (I'm 33)... one line in my inbox:
danng for a white chick you got sum great curves 

Well, danng, for a "mixed race with black hair" you got sum great lines


Got an email from the teacher, and there's a couple guys I'm chatting with, no stand outs to report.  I'm getting good feedback on my profile when it's NOT emails like the above - since there's not much to report, I thought I'd let you read the profile and comment to your heart's content... Enjoy!

About Me

I'm just starting out in the dating game as a single mom to a 2 year old. It's... different! Definitely happy and content with life as a mom, and have a good job I'm happy with... it makes dating less urgent somehow? Taking my time to find someone as awesome as the two of us :)

I like to write and read, bake and crochet. Hiking and the great outdoors are where I'd like to spend more time - I was raised in a small country town 3 hours from the GTA - and I'm still a country girl at heart... I even *gasp* prefer country music, though I'm down with the Dean Blundell Show too :)

I'm really looking for dating/long term... the 20's and casual hookups kinda gross me out - I like cute guys with nice smiles that doubt I mean it when I tell them I think they're hot because they don't see it :)
And being a gentleman goes a long way.
First Date
There would be coffee. And laughter. Or no second date :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Spent The Weekend Frogging...

Seen on profile that contacted me:
If you message me.. Please no wh0res, I'm not 19 anymore!!!

So I did not respond.

What girl reads that and says, "Oh, I'm a total loose caboose... I guess he's not for me."  COME ON!  The only thing he's warning off are nice women.  Idiot.

Plenty of Frogs makes me feel really dirty.  You know how you've feel when you've been eating well, and you're in a pinch one morning, so you stop at McDonalds for the first time in 4 months and decide to get your old fallback, The Big Mac, big sized, and you eat it in the car and it TASTES. SO.  GOOD. and then you drop some sauce on your collar
*pause for air*
and you finish it quickly and after 5 minutes you just feel ashamed and queasy that you'd been doing so well with your diet and now FLUCK IT!  You might as well give up.  You feel greasy, and fat.  And horrid.  And hours later, you can still smell the burger from the spot on your collar and it makes you want to barf and reminds you of your shame all over again...

That's Plenty of Frogs.  Instant gratification from the messages that pour in, but it's all garbage.  And the email reminders from the site to your inbox saying you've got new mail later that day... that's the spot of sauce on your collar reminding you all day that you went there.

There's plenty of action, for sure.  I've only searched twice, and yet, my inbox is filled with messages.  99% of them are this message or a variation on it:

Your pritty 


I'm going to keep logging on, because if I stop, I know I'll just stop trying to be anything other than a mommy altogether.  I'm a little discouraged.  Plus, I do giggle regularly reading the profiles of men that think I might fall for them based on, "hey ur eyes r nice watdo you like to do 4 fun"

The Footnote, Doug, commented cuteness on my FB status this weekend.  Stupid nice guy.  I'm deleting him March 15th, 2011 if he hasn't asked me out again by then.  Remind me.

SMILF owt.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Joined: Plenty of Frogs

That's right, I'm over The Man Site, with all it's psychoanalysis that figures I'd like to date ugly, fat men that are plainly lying about their age, or hot, emotionally unavailable men that live 45 minutes away, or grown men that still refer to themselves as their highschool B Boy name, "G".  Yup, that's been confirmed, he's really "G".  None are working for me.

So, I joined a site many have recommended - Plenty of Frogs.  There are indeed many frogs there!  1.5 hours after posting a profile, 5 men had contacted me.  That's more than I had contact with in a WEEK on The Man Site, and POF didn't cost me a dime!  Since it's been established with the money I forked out to TMS that you don't always get what you pay for... I've got my fingers crossed.

Of the five messages - one, everydayman1, is SO HOT, but seems a tiny bit weird.  So... I'll likely keep corresponding with him.  That's how I roll, yo.  Another fella that messaged me, Teacher,  is cute and his profile is really attractive to me... but he lives an hour away.  I'm an import to the city from a small town... online dating is proving the old "you can take the girl outta the country...".  It's annoying.  There must be one cute, small town, city import living in the same postal code, right?  That's realistic, right?  Right??!?!

There's another cute guy I messaged - 45 minutes away... we'll see if he bites.  Rawr.

In other news, it was grey here today, and I had a blip of wanting to be asked out by the footnote, Doug.  I think it's what spurred the slumming on the free Frog site.   I'll send him a Thank You card if it works out.  Stupid, indecisive dink.  He's so dreamy.

See ya Monday, readers!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

PMS-y Internet dating

For real... I should dodge The Man Site in the week leading up to, you know, that week... the one men only talk about with a wince and a pale face?  That one.  I'm a total bitch.  Let me recreate a question/answer from clever G.

G asks: Why are you on The Man Site? What are you looking for and most importantly are you really ready to date (now, ready for dating me is another question entirely :) )?    

SMILF replies: Seriously? Asking that question reeks of bringing baggage into a first date lol... I'm on The Man Site because I'd like to start dating again. I'm looking to meet people and get to know them if we seem to click, and yes, I'm really ready to date.

Oy, if we were drunk in a bar, I'd slap me!  Must focus on being flirty, fun me all weeks of the year.  Or get my readers to answer all questions 1 out of 4 weeks... hmmm, that could be pretty fun!

What I could have said:  I'm on The Man Site to meet YOU, G!  Silly man!  You're exactly what I've been looking for, and I could not be more ready to date you! 

Nope, I could not have said that and met my eyes in the mirror for at least a week.  It really does reek of baggage.  Oh well, moving forward, potential candidates will have to have a thick skin for P week... it's good to test the waters now, right?  That's what I'm telling myself.  Now where's my salty/chocolatey binge snack...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

2 Years of MILFness

Today, The Girl turns 2.  I've been a SMILF for 2 years!  Well, that may be a stretch, I was a little chubby and mean looking for the first year.  I was tired.

To prove how grown up and observant of the world around her, this morning she pointed to a zit between my eyes and inquired, "Booboo, mommy?"  Out of the mouths of babes... comes the reason I kept my head down and just sorta waved at Rylan yesterday.  "Booboo" to you, baby, but that booboo is "I'd do her, but I wouldn't introduce her to the guys" to men.  You have much to learn, little one.

That's all I have for funny today.  Yesterday a friend lost his son to a brain tumor he fought for most of his little life.  I'm just so happy to have had two happy, healthy years with my baby.  I'm taking today to revel in the life of The Girl.  I'll get my SMILF on tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Single MILF Thanks Giving

Well, it was a weekend at home with family for Thanksgiving.  If I had anything dating related to report after a weekend with family, I'd likely lose a lot of readers... and maybe gain some really pervy er, unsavoury followers.  Trust me, there's nothing to report there.

On The Man Site, I've just sent 3 questions to "G".  He's cleverly cloaked his own identity by NOT indicating his first name next to his photograph. Boys are dumb.  I won't assign "G" a fake name for you to refer to him by.  He's 36, no kids, a financial analyst... I'm hoping he does not refer to himself as "G" in real life.  Ick.

No word from Gord in 5 days... I let it slip that cats sorta gross me out. He has 2.  Whoops!

I've been thinking about all the wonderful things that come with being a Single MILF, just to remind myself why being single is not the end of the world.  Here ya go:

1. Single MILF's can fart/poo with the door open/rip a broken toenail off with her teeth whenever she wants, without a partner bringing it up after one too many beers at the neighbourhood street party.  *Note to self - when The Girl learns to tell stories about Momma, refuse social invites*

2.  I can anticipate, at the very least, ONE new sex partner!  Woot for new experiences!  Woot for love life positivifity!  Married MILF's can't do anything more than they've already been doing for the last 5 years of their marriage - close their eyes and pretend they aren't sleeping with their husband!  Oh, that's just me in long-term relationships?  Oops.

3.  Single MILF's make all the rules in their homes!  No inappropriate conversations in front of the children about how hubby always undermines your authority!  Hmmm, I suppose some Single MILF's have these on the doorstep at drop off, or over the phone... but not THIS MILF!  No man around at all!  So, I guess I waggle my tongue at some other SMILFs with this one...

4.  Single MILF's never step over a lounging, hockey game watching, gas machine to pick up his empty nacho plate and beer stein to wash up before his mom stops by to bring her baby boy his favorite baked good - which you, Married MILF, simply can't duplicate.  Ask your MIL, she'll tell you!

5.  I get all The Girl's snuggles.  No sharing!

6.  I can serve egg salad sandwiches and baked beans for dinner, and not fear being trapped in the same room that night with the man that ate them.  I can also do that 3 nights running, if I so choose, and not justify it to anyone!

7.  Not unique to SMILF's... all my thanks to The Girl, for putting the M in MILF for me.  I'm so blessed.  If I never hear "I love you" from another person in my lifetime, I'll be okay - I've heard it from The Girl.  That's a lot of love to give thanks for.

Yes, I did notice a heavy focus on farts in the "thanks givings" listed above.  I'm working on it.  Judgers.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The "Nothing to Report" Report.

Well, I have nothing current goin' on... Go me.  Haven't been to the gym yet and have no emails from Gord... I haven't logged on to "The Man Site" today, either.  Instead, I bought new yarn to crochet with - apparently I'm embracing to Single GrannyILF I'm sure to be one day.

I did log onto The Man Site last night, but got off (No!  Out of the gutter, reader!) after reading this on a profile in answer to the question, "What's one thing you're passionate about?"

Man Answer:  "Well, if I have to limit it to just ONE thing, I'd have to say I'm most passionate about diversifity".

Um.  I'll take a pass.  I just can't support your passion for diversifity.  In fact, I can't even type the word with a straight face.  It's never gonna work.

Gym day today- I'll be sure to get you up to speed on Tuesday.  It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, so I'll be taking a three day break... unless something miraculous happens in the mean time.

Give thanks to someone you know for the blessings they bring you... See you Tuesday!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hiring: One Manager

First order of business - clarify for y'all, I did NOT have sex with Gord.  I haven't even met him... must revisit post to clarify wording.  I assure you, all systems are a go for a big 3 year anniversary post on January 15 of Oh Eleven.  God bless you for thinking I'm so easy I could have mind blowing sex via the interweb.  I'm not there yet.

Second order of business - I am hiring a love life manager.  It pays nothing.  I'll be very gracious though, and give you whatever title that may make your resume look good and impress your parents...  "Intergender Relations Manager" perhaps?  Personally, I feel qualified to say with some certainty that I am not qualified to manage my own love life.  I fire me.  Here's the straw...

Scene: Single MILF's chosen gym.  Lunch time.  Wearing new size 4 (running IS paying off!  FINALLY!) jeans, cutie (my new favorite phrase, thank you M3 coug...) tank and "boyfriend" cardigan (in case you care).  Feeling like today is THE day I'm going to converse with Rylan, dazzle him with my charm and then post a blog about it.

I walk in and immediately greet Rylan with a nonchalant (I think?) "Hey!"

Rylan - Hey!  What's up?

(obliged to tell you to shield your eyes from the flash of brilliance to follow)...

SM -  Um, it's Wednesday.  That's all I got.

R - That's it? That's all you got???   ???   ???

SM - aha.  Yup.  That's pretty much it. *makes hasty move for change room*

R - How's the training plan going?

SM - Oh, there's no plan, but so far, it's good!

R - Yeah, you're looking good...  *GIVES ME THE ONCE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!  GRINS!* 

SM - *huge, "eyes disappear behind my teeth" smile, borderline blacks out*

Get ready for it....

SM - Thanks. *walks into change room*

End scene.

Fired, right?  Will consider any applicant.  Bonus title of "Interpersonal Crisis Avoidance Specialist" for your new business card if you can tell me what I should have said, and what I should say if he ever tries "bold" on me again.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Current Match

Before I outline the new guy, Gord, there's something burning a hole in my mind, and I need to get it out, or I may die. Did I mention my flair for the dramatic? Hyperbole also makes me happy.

One of the terrible burdens a Single MILF must bear is the horror of having no one who can appreciate little things like stupid licence plates viewed after a particularly rancid day. So I will abuse my blog. The Girl is still decades away from being a good audience to anything other than a well timed fart and a short conversation about whodunit.

Seen: A lovely, white, BMW M3 with the plate "M3 CUTIE". Gag. I wanted to ram my Saturn so far up her cutie tailpipe... shoot me in my cutie vagina if my head ever gets that big - not my cutie head though, pretty (cutie?) please. Through the heavily tinted glass was a cougarish, chubby woman with frosty highlights in her fake, blonde hair. Super cutie.

Why does it bother me?  Well, how many years away am I from moving to a plate on my car from a blog with the self assigned title "MILF"?  You can see why I got so worked up...

Anywho... back to Single MILF dating. Thanks for listening.

My current match is "Gord". He's a carbon copy of my last "I followed the Grateful Dead for years, I'm vegan, I have long, grey hair I'm clinging to, and I know how to use a camera." We had SER.I.OUS.LY amazing sex. I think that's what draws me to Gord - the similarities must continue, right? He lives 45 minutes from me (what is with that - all the One's live away!), hiked the Bruce trail last week, writes run on sentences (match!), and you can almost smell the ganja he smokes to have his deep thoughts by...

We've emailed a couple times. His last one came in yesterday, and I still have not replied. My last "Gord" was not a good match in anyway other than the sack. I hesitate. Maybe tomorrow night I'll feel like it.

I've closed so many really ugly matches this week, it's almost making me feel shallow. Almost. Must go preen - it's a Rylan, er, gym day.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What The?

In January, it will be 3 years since I had sex. THREE. YEARS. Old me would have laughed and pointed fingers at new me. Old me would blame every black look and bad day someone in new me's position on a need to get some. Old me would have never let this happen. New me hates old me, a little. Maybe because old me was dating. Old me had prospects. Wait! New me has prospects! Or does she?

Three years is long enough to forget how to ride that bike, or keep you off that horse you fell off. I think there's a guy that thinks I'm cute? <--- that question mark there... that's the 3 years talking.

About a month ago, I joined a gym. I wasn't overweight, but I was (am?) flabby. Sitting on your butt in front of a computer every evening, and 5 days a week for the last 2 years at my desk will do that. Now, three times a week I trudge around the corner to a gym to run on a treadmill, or, as I call it, sweat like a middle-aged, 400 lb man in full view of strangers. It's hot - and I do only mean core temperature hot.

Anyway... when I registered, there was this adorable guy signing me up, Rylan. Rylan has some small visible tattoos and a nice smile... and I'm a sucker for both. I'm signing up for the gym though - all I can think is, "Fuuuuuuck. I haaaaaate the gyyyyyyyym", and, "Fuuuuuuuuck, I haaaaaaad to wear this dress today, which prominently displays my tummy flab roll over my thong for Ryyyyylan to seeeeee. Fuuuuuuuck".

I swear a lot in my head, now that I can't swear in front of the kid... unless I want to hear again all week.

Turns out, Rylan is there at the desk every time I show go. He remembers my name. He asks how my weekend was. He jokes around with the admittance buzzer. He teases me about whatever he can seize on. We talk about running. I can't look at him without grinning... and he's always grinning at me. He's always making eye contact. Better than making eye to boob contact - or is it?

I don't know what this is? Wishful thinking? I'm sure it's his job to be friendly, but short of stalking the desk, I can't know if the undersexed me is making a good employee appear to be angling to asking me out. I'm so out of practice, I might next be thinking the nun in line behind me wants my number because she threw a benevolent smile my way.

Readers? What's my next move? Is he interested, or good at his job? I generally get REALLY flustered and say "Hi" and "Bye" and that's about all I can get out around the marbles in my mouth. What would you do?

Monday, October 4, 2010

First Fail

Oh, Monday. Only saved from me hating you today by the fire alarm at work going off… toyed briefly with faking a faint to see if I could get a fireman’s attention to kick start this dating thang… but alas, I was freezing my ass off and likely would have been trying to pick him up while snot streaked down my lip.

So, as promised, let me brighten your Monday and let you in on my first failure out of the gate!

The first hunky match, we’ll call him Doug, is a police officer living approximately 45 minutes from me. He’s divorced, no children, calls his dog his baby (blech, but whatever), is 6 foot, dark haired and has this FACE… it’s the smile that immediately says, “I’m a nice guy. I’m nice to my mom. I like to cuddle. You’re going to be so well loved by me. I’m also a stud in bed.” With a SMILE… that’s something.

I’m super excited to make his acquaintance and send him my first 5 questions as fast as my greedy little fingers can click. I’ve assigned him a fake last name in my head so that I can start doodling my new name post wedding.

We spend a month corresponding online, emailing every other day. He’s cute! He’s funny! He’s smart! He can spell words! He also NEVER asks me out, or offers his email or phone number. Being a little traditional (as much as a never married MOM can be), I wait and wait and wait…

I stop waiting. Seriously, I’m not looking for a pen pal! So, I propose coffee on a Friday night, and give him my email address and phone number. He emails, and we set up a date and place. I immediately go shopping for a “coffee date outfit” and start soliciting the opinions of everyone I know on which shirt I should wear.

Doug was… not what I expected? The downside of emailing is that I tend to assign a studly voice to studly photos… and his manner of speaking was slightly metrosexual. Not “not hot”, but not what I’d been hearing in my head for weeks. We laughed a lot though, and I thought I’d see him again.

He had told me he was a texter, and sure enough, we texted almost every day for the next month – went out 6 more times. Weird: we never kissed. We texted about it a lot – but he NEVER made a move. On our 4th date he told me that he was going slowly because 5 months prior a relationship of 2 years had ended, out of the blue, and she had cheated. I was cool with that, despite every person I knew saying “NO RED BLOODED MAN WAITS 6 DATES TO MAKE A MOVE!”

Note: No red blooded man waits 6 dates to make ANY move. Must remember. No action = no future.

I was the one doing all the asking out… and finally, I texted him one day and asked, “If I stopped asking you out, how long would it be before I saw you again”. His reply, “6 months. Tops.” *insert big, sad, blue eyed face here*

He sent me a lovely email full of flattery (*swoon/sniff*), that essentially said he can't believe how awesome he thinks I am, but that he still doesn't feel right dating. I'm calling it "the super nice guy brush off" email.

He’s still on my Facebook friend list. He comments on my photos or videos from time to time. I'm not sure if he is just TOO nice to cut me, because really, he seems ridiculously nice, or if he really is waiting to be "ready to date". I think I haven’t removed him because I’m waiting out the 6 months… sad -but sadly, true!

So that’s it in a nutshell – not giving too many details because frankly, he’s a footnote, right? Bring on a real man – ready for happy, and great in the sack! Woohoo! Footnotes sting, but I’m confident there’s another “one” waiting. Hopefully in the next week or so - I'm fairly impatient, and, I hear, getting bitchier the longer I go unlaid.

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Single MILF Strategy To... Date. Ha.

My strategy for meeting available men, post-kid, has been *gasp!* an online dating site. The site I chose asks you 3,480,982 questions (stops short of asking if you pick your nose and your preferred position... or did it? It was a long process.) and costs a fair bit to join, by a single MILF's standards. Seems reasonable to believe that paying a sum of money for an introduction - an electronic pimp, I suppose - would eliminate most men without jobs... a good starting point for me.

I didn't count on my feelings of overwhelming obligation to review every match, and the guilt associated with closing them, even the ones I had no contact with. Really, it's not much different than breaking the gaze of an overly friendly man at the supermarket - aside from the fact that at the supermarket, you aren't looking away because his T-shirt says he has 8 children already - the way a profile might. So perhaps it's a tad more judgemental when it's online. Meh. I'm sure there were many men closing me - in fact, I know there were. This site has a lovely feature that shows you who checked you out... letting me know every day how many took a pass. Nice. Build me right up, website. *flips mental bird to site*

Back to the sense of obligation - seriously, I work 8 hours a day, come home, let the dog out, start supper, let the dog in, feed The Girl, do the dishes, clean some (because if I don't clean a little bit every day, I'd be on a TLC show in no time), cuddle The Girl - who is DYING for some one on one by that point, do bath, lay out clothes, get The Girl to bed, shower, laundry?, pack lunch... and then spend an hour on communication with men I may, or may not like? Ohhhh tempting. Just felt like a chore. Until I saw my first "one".

You know. If you've ever tried online dating, it's the picture of the guy that has that smile that makes you smile, has a cute line about how he's a "softie", and you read the profile like, THIRTY times to look for the reason to close him, but don't find it. Yum. I love those. Those "ones".

More on him on Monday. It's the weekend. Wheeeee.