First Fail

Oh, Monday. Only saved from me hating you today by the fire alarm at work going off… toyed briefly with faking a faint to see if I could get a fireman’s attention to kick start this dating thang… but alas, I was freezing my ass off and likely would have been trying to pick him up while snot streaked down my lip.

So, as promised, let me brighten your Monday and let you in on my first failure out of the gate!

The first hunky match, we’ll call him Doug, is a police officer living approximately 45 minutes from me. He’s divorced, no children, calls his dog his baby (blech, but whatever), is 6 foot, dark haired and has this FACE… it’s the smile that immediately says, “I’m a nice guy. I’m nice to my mom. I like to cuddle. You’re going to be so well loved by me. I’m also a stud in bed.” With a SMILE… that’s something.

I’m super excited to make his acquaintance and send him my first 5 questions as fast as my greedy little fingers can click. I’ve assigned him a fake last name in my head so that I can start doodling my new name post wedding.

We spend a month corresponding online, emailing every other day. He’s cute! He’s funny! He’s smart! He can spell words! He also NEVER asks me out, or offers his email or phone number. Being a little traditional (as much as a never married MOM can be), I wait and wait and wait…

I stop waiting. Seriously, I’m not looking for a pen pal! So, I propose coffee on a Friday night, and give him my email address and phone number. He emails, and we set up a date and place. I immediately go shopping for a “coffee date outfit” and start soliciting the opinions of everyone I know on which shirt I should wear.

Doug was… not what I expected? The downside of emailing is that I tend to assign a studly voice to studly photos… and his manner of speaking was slightly metrosexual. Not “not hot”, but not what I’d been hearing in my head for weeks. We laughed a lot though, and I thought I’d see him again.

He had told me he was a texter, and sure enough, we texted almost every day for the next month – went out 6 more times. Weird: we never kissed. We texted about it a lot – but he NEVER made a move. On our 4th date he told me that he was going slowly because 5 months prior a relationship of 2 years had ended, out of the blue, and she had cheated. I was cool with that, despite every person I knew saying “NO RED BLOODED MAN WAITS 6 DATES TO MAKE A MOVE!”

Note: No red blooded man waits 6 dates to make ANY move. Must remember. No action = no future.

I was the one doing all the asking out… and finally, I texted him one day and asked, “If I stopped asking you out, how long would it be before I saw you again”. His reply, “6 months. Tops.” *insert big, sad, blue eyed face here*

He sent me a lovely email full of flattery (*swoon/sniff*), that essentially said he can't believe how awesome he thinks I am, but that he still doesn't feel right dating. I'm calling it "the super nice guy brush off" email.

He’s still on my Facebook friend list. He comments on my photos or videos from time to time. I'm not sure if he is just TOO nice to cut me, because really, he seems ridiculously nice, or if he really is waiting to be "ready to date". I think I haven’t removed him because I’m waiting out the 6 months… sad -but sadly, true!

So that’s it in a nutshell – not giving too many details because frankly, he’s a footnote, right? Bring on a real man – ready for happy, and great in the sack! Woohoo! Footnotes sting, but I’m confident there’s another “one” waiting. Hopefully in the next week or so - I'm fairly impatient, and, I hear, getting bitchier the longer I go unlaid.