Isn't science an awesome and terrible thing? To be able to mutilate our body in such a life altering way. To play God. To cut the channel that leads to life. (I did mention, didn't I, I like dramatics... heehee).
Josh sent me a long, lovely email. He is certainly verbose. I'm going to have a letter writing complex, I can tell.
Essentially, he drew a line. He can tell he's going to fall hard for me, but he needs me to be honest with myself. He does not reference his vasectomy, but I know it's what he's referring to. His last year long attempt at a relationship ended, in part, because of his inability to have children.
My response has to be, "I don't know."
That will have to be okay for now. If it's not something he's comfortable with, that's okay too. I'm preparing for that.
There's so many reasons I'm not ready to say, "I'm happy to be with you."
1. HELLO, JOSH! We've only spent a day together. SHEESH! How do I know if you always leave the toilet seat up, or if you are mean to your mom? These are important factors!
2. I don't know what that looks like. If a man chooses in his 20's to close the door on more children, is there room in his heart to love mine like his own? This is important. This is all important.
3. Am I finished? Am I well and truly content if I never have another child? Would I have weaned my baby when I did? Will my heart hurt every time I hold another person's baby? Will I hit menopause and have a midlife crisis over it? I DON'T KNOW. It's too soon to tell.
4. Will I always wonder what might have happened if I walked away and kept looking?
I just don't know. How does one know such a thing? So, I'm about to write as verbose a reply as I can, saying basically three words. I. don't. know.
Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYou'll never REALLY know. My life philosophy....choose the 'Now Happiness' over the 'Someday/Maybe happiness' because you never know what will happen in the future. I love the line:
ReplyDelete'Man plans, God laughs'
If it were me..I would stay with Josh and see what happens. If we ended up together then that is my answer-no more kids...it's ok...I already have one..but that's me
I agree with AMILF. You've been together one time for cryin'out loud! It's not like he asked you to marry him. IMHO you're thinking long term way too fast...but what do I know, I'd just a dumb guy. But I say have some fun, it doesn't have to be forever. Enjoy the moment.
ReplyDeleteHere's a cheesy little saying for ya which you may or may not think is relevant...Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift. That's why they call it the present. :)
It's a tough thing, but I get it. I think the only thing you CAN say is that you don't know.
ReplyDeleteBut, for the record... my ex told me from day 1 that he never wanted kids. It was absolutely a dealbreaker for him. Two previous relationships had ended over it, so he made it clear FAST.
I honestly thought, at the time, that I would be okay with it. That if we loved each other enough, maybe kids wouldn't matter so much.
I was wrong. And after 7 years of trying to convince myself otherwise, I finally accepted who I was, and what I wanted. I wanted to be a mommy.
You can no more change you who are than you can change him. And if you want different things out of life, there is nothing wrong with admitting that now.
Basically, I think you should keep looking. Trying to make a relationship work, with someone who doesn't want the same things you do... it's settling, plain and simple. You deserve far better than that.
hey SMILF I stalk your blog... it's awesome!
ReplyDeleteThis Josh guy sounds incredible. A total catch. I can tell you're smitten (despite only one "date"!), but I think if you are even having this much trouble sorting out your feelings, you already know. You want another baby one day. This guy doesn't. As incredible as he is, that would be a dealbreaker for me. If you have that urge to bear more children I don't think you'll be able to sweep it under the rug even for a guy as seemingly perfect as Josh. Maybe I'm wrong, but if you always imagined yourself having more children than I can't see trying to forget about that.
Good luck!
ummm...I would like to point out that Josh also has two children who, being raised by a man as wonderful as he is, are probably pretty amazing as well. Maybe as you are wondering if he is capable of loving The Girl as his own, would it not be possible that you could love them just as much and thus fill that position of "more children"? Not saying you should immediately drop everything and begin bonding, but that there are many many factors in creating a fulfilling relationship - especially when pre-existing kids are involved. I think you should feel it out - keep the communication open and honest - and above ell else, follow your heart and be sure of yourself and your decisions before you set them in stone. Sorry, too much?
ReplyDeleteI think that's all you can say...you don't know. It's been one date and I don't think that's enough time for you to make a life changing decision. He does sound great but basically he's saying in order for this to work long-term YOU have to CHANGE while standing very firm on his position. I think you (and I'm basing this totally on my feelings) would feel better about the whole thing if he was at least open to a reversal (and hence open to more kids). Even if he was it may not work or other circumstances may prevent more children but at least there would be a chance (and if it didn't work out you wouldn't hold a grudge against him). Given that it's not an option from the get-go I'd say you need more time to decide where your heart takes you.
ReplyDeletePlus, while you're figuring out the baby part you are also finding out all the little stuff that can also make or break a relationship anyway.
So, like others suggest, just keep going and having fun. All these questions will answer themselves in time.
If you don't mind having a fling I'd say keep going and enjoy the moment, but if you're looking for long term and someone that can be a father figure to The Girl for the long hall, then it may be better for you to keep looking since having more kids is important to you and Josh clearly does not want that.
ReplyDeleteI am 36 and just had my first child this past Feberuary. She is amazing! What is almost as amazing is my desire to have another, alas, I am single so that isn't happening anytime soon. Now my point. I have an ex that I adore. He wanted to get back together but he doesn't want any more kids (he has 2). Deal Breaker. I told him that we could only be friends and not the wink, wink kinda friends. So that was the end of that. Maybe my ovaries just had that one fantastic egg or maybe my angel will hit the terrible 2's and I will realize I don't want to do that again. But I won't waste someone elses time, or set-up the relationship to fail while I want more kids and they don't. If I were you I would run away while your heart is still in one piece.
ReplyDelete