Lessons Learned

No coffee today.  Josh hasn't brought it up, and we all know first dates to me are as anxiously awaited as an appointment to have nose hairs pulled, one by one... so I didn't bring it up either.  He's still talking about this weekend.

So, as I sprawled in my bath tonight (The Girl goes to bed at 645 since the time change... BLISS) doing absolutely freaking nothing... I thought I'd give you a list of lessons learned from previous online dating experiences.  Because I love you, and I want to save you the hassle should you give it a go in the future.

1.  All high school Catholic board teachers smoke pot.  A lot of it.  If you need some, ask one.

2.  Personal trainers will show up for your first date with a mesh shirt on that will show the shadow of nipple. Take a pass.

3.  Personal trainers will tell you how to best work off those 5 pounds over your first dinner date.  Trust me, you'll just spend the rest of the evening thinking about where he saw those 5.  Oh, and there's such a thing as a "Naked Women's Wrestling League".  He trains the "wrestlers".  Okay, I'm moving on now.

4.  Men who only have photos that look like scanned yearbook photos, are 15 years older, balder, and heavier than the photo represents.

5.  Men with photos that have you squinting and pressing your nose to the screen to discern any facial features for all 5 of their photos, are hiding something.

6.  Men that sweat profusely just living their daily life, will shower you in sweat during sex.  Stay on top, and buy pillow and mattress protectors if that's the only flaw.  And bulk laundry detergent, you'll be washing your sheets a lot at first.

7.  Men that have this or something like it in their profile, "Don't bother wasting my time if you're not ready to date, are hung up on your ex, or have mental issues" have baggage.  Serious baggage.  Trust me.

8.  It is absolutely possible to develop a really huge crush on someone via email if it goes on too long, and then feel like a total douchebag when you meet the first time and realize there's not enough gold in Saudi Arabia to get you to have sex with that person.  Meet early.  Don't make this "I'm a poopy person" inducing mistake.  The internet will never measure spark.  Do not get invested without a meeting.

9.  If you meet someone that still lives at home with mom, make them a friend instead.  Wait until they've moved out.  No good will come of this.  They will see your independence as a ticket out of mom's house.  That's it.

That's all I got for now!  If I think of any more, I'll be sure to follow up with another list.